Thursday, July 17, 2014

Barbie and Beyond

Barbie and Beyond

I've been thinking about my Barbie Dolls and the condos my sister and I built for them in the back of my Dad's bar in the basement of our first house on Apple Pie Ridge.  We made an elevator out of a shoe box.  They had all they needed and it was very lush and inviting.  Additions and upgrades were constantly made for 'their' comfort and to maintain their social Barbie and Ken status. 

When I moved into my early teens I drifted away from the Barbie condo and all the amazing environments we had created for them.  My mother would ask me if I'd go and play Barbie Dolls with my sister, who still was enjoying them and missing our fun together.  I occasionally did go but I couldn't enjoy it anymore. The fun was gone for me.  It was like looking at a strange land where I no longer fit.  That which had been so alive for me was now dead, empty.  It had lost its meaning.  This change happened slowly as dolls were replaced by The Beatles, 'The Man From UNCLE' and giggling phone calls with girlfriends. A phase of my life dropped away with little to no regret.

How many changes happen like this in our lives that we don't even notice?  We're filled with desire and then it is filled and quickly we lose interest in whatever it was.  It becomes old or isn't as great as we imagined so desire finds a new target and we move on.  I even noticed this as a child when I saw that I immediately lost interest in the presents I had so wanted.

Sometimes, however, the object of our desire has staying my home.  It becomes a safe haven and statement of my 'being' in the world.  Years of renovating and upgrading deepened the roots I laid here.  When I moved in with my husband years ago I said the only way I would leave is feet first.  Only death do us part.  I thought that would be true of both the husband and this house.  As the husband left 11 years ago I turned to the house as my solace and reward.  Losing it meant I'm a loser, that I'd failed the game of life.

Well, how silly is that?

Here's sillier...I only just realized what kind of commitment I'd made to this external reality when I remembered my Barbie Doll condo.  Even though I'm well versed in many of the spiritual teachings on attachment and letting go and have dared see myself as a spiritual coach or teacher, once again I'm humbled by my own limitations, beliefs and stories.  I see I still need to move beyond the ideas I was fed about what success looks like and what winners and losers look like.  I like to pretend otherwise but I know I have a deeply competitive nature and I like to win!  I wanted to prove to my family I wasn't the poor cousin.  At the same time I'm a big maverick and don't want to play by the rules.  Those of you who know me well are grinning or laughing saying "Well 'duh', Sherry.... no surprise there."  Those choices have created an interesting life.  A life with very little ground or security many have built by this age in life.  I tease that it's very Buddhist of me, very little ground.  Pema Chodren's Comfortable With Uncertainty is beside my bed always!

So with joy I tell you that realizing I no longer needed the Barbie Doll Condo made letting go of this beautiful home and this life style easier. I'm letting go of the ground I've been clinging to and it feels so good.  I know many of you find it hard to see me let go of this place.  It's become a spiritual home for us together.  There may still be moments of grief coming but something seems to have deeply shifted.  There's a sweetness and ease returning for me that has been long absent.  I'm so grateful for this!  I'm enjoying my moments here again where before they felt like anguish or stress.  Thank you, Barbie, for helping me out!  Barbie!  She is the perfect example.  I think you understand why without my explaining. Thank you, Universe, in all your wisdom for guiding me to see this.  I am so grateful!  yes, a little embarrassed but very grateful!  I love you Universe and I love you all!!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Amma silenced me.  One hug and the day was quiet and  Driving home from DC there was no tension as the traffic slowed.  I watched almost at a distance but more here and now than I have ever been...or so it seemed yesterday.  Today my monkey mind reappeared and chattered away at me.  My heart still feels velvety soft.  In my ear Amma said, "my daughter, my daughter my daughter."  I wept.  Missing you Mom!  It was so deep and so simple.  Her hug took away desire and gave peace.  I've often been a proponent of desire feeling a bit angry at practices that deny it or make it wrong.  It's clear now that desire is not full of peace.  That is neither wrong or right it just is.  The silence I lived yesterday was not full of desire...just peace.  What an amazing 'let go'.  More please! <3