My Shadow Story
Wrestling with my shadow...my failures, my laziness, my
resistance to change and the truth of now.
Trying to buy a new place and realizing my limitations. Angry and resentful at my circumstances. Victim is rising up big time. Angry victim.
Hello Beloved Ego. Here you are
again. I love you!
Sometimes it's the smallest things that trigger me and
sometimes it's about taxes. (LOL!) I've
resisted doing 2015 taxes for the usual "I don't wanna" reasons to
the underlying pain of not doing them in my beautiful old dining room. Grief rises up and I'm angry at myself for
not still living there. Angry victim
still visiting today. I forgot where the
2014 tax papers were and looked in the wrong spot were all the other taxes are
stored. I asked spirit to help and immediately
remembered where I put them. That was a
lovely gift. More of that help seems to
be showing up these days!
Then I watched myself angrily respond to a Facebook Papaji
message about dropping the illusion.
FUCK illusion! This shit is
real! My angry child is feeling cornered
and terrified.
"You want to kill me off. You hate me.
I hate you too!" says my
ego.
I respond;.
"I'm so sorry. Please
forgive me. Thank you. I love you." Not sure if that helped.
Oh my! I'd like to
have less misery and still enjoy my emotions.
Still enjoy all of this human ride.
It's been a challenging and miserable one recently.
I've watched myself be angry about toilet paper. Repeatedly.
Such an important topic, toilet paper, to be upset about. Do they think we don't notice that the rolls
are not as wide and the center hole is wider?
Please! I miss gallons of ice
cream too. OY! These important issues I'm upset about. LOL!
It does distract me from the ugly election and rising shadow of racism
in this country, not to mention the horrifying violence in the world. I guess I prefer to be upset about toilet
paper.
It's been a long time since I posted on this blog so let
me catch you up on the many changes in my life.
I sold my beautiful big home on Cowpens and rented a little Timonium
rancher. Let me begin with the shadow
side of the story. I'm still grieving
the loss of that beautiful home. It
feels like so many losses in the last year and a half. Losing Beloved Malcolm, letting go of my
house and losing the trust in a good friend all beat me down and bit me in the
ass. Most recently a month long flu weaken me greatly and added
to the physical limitation of this body. Ego field day!
Misery central.
Letting go of the
comfort of that home has taken a part of my pride away. It was just the way I
liked it and had created it. It showed
off the prosperity and heritage that I had come from. Gone
now! Oh, how the mighty Sherry has
fallen! Matt Kahn told me humility was my life's
theme. Seems I'm getting some big
lessons in humility right now if I can stay out of the pity victim party. I may not seem so arrogant on the outside (I
hope) but inside my head I'm an arrogant bitch.
I catch myself and just roll my eyes; "Really Sherry?!?"
I'm always thinking I know when the real truth is I know
nothing. I congratulate myself on the
wisdom of not knowing, of course.
LOL! Still I have this underlying
sense I really know, that I've lived so many lives and am this wise old soul. Maybe.
Maybe not. My thinking I know so
much has been a great opening for naive gullibility. I've started to catch myself and ask if I
really know that is true. Thank you
Byron Katie!
This lesson in humility has brought shadow feelings to
the surface. I've told myself many
stories of disaster and ending. "I'm
such a failure. I've failed at everything." "My life is over and I've failed." "I'm not good enough to teach." "What the fuck do I know." Oh,
that's right, nothing!
Part of me wants to run and hide or hide this from you as
I write it. Wow! This big shadow journey has really sucked! I like to also give myself some credit for
surviving all these changes and watching the rise and fall of thoughts and emotions
around all of it. What a ride! Now, hopefully, things are turning around. I probably wouldn't be writing if they
weren't turning around. I'm finally over
the long lasting virus and getting back to swimming. My body already feels stronger. Yeah! I've
started to teach again and that feels great.
There are other stories of triumph though the last months
that I've left out because I've been in the half empty glass story here. The fact I did successfully move after 18
years all my possessions from one place to another and weed out so many is a
big success story. My many loving
friends helped me and supported me through the move and I am incredibly
grateful for all they did! I'm so very
blessed! Wow! Although not entirely out of debt I am in a
much better place and living more affordably now. Losing Malcolm has opened me for another intimate
love to come into my life as I let myself grieve, cry, let go and then laugh
and move on. The loss of trust in my
friend made me take more responsibility and stand up more on my own. When things have been very dark I've
remembered "this too shall pass" and found support and love when
needed.
So my life is not over and I'm not such a failure. Yes, I've failed for sure and will again. And I have also succeeded. I've had so many loving friends and students
remind me that I am worthy and good enough. I've received beautiful praise from many. The arrogant one in me is looking down on me
for needing that recognition. 'Fuck off,
oh great arrogant one.' I am grateful,
very grateful for the love and support of the Beloved Other!
This move gave me permission to stop for a while and
assess what I'm doing with this life of mine.
Good news/bad news obviously. I'm
happy to be coming into the half (or more)full feeling now. I've started teaching again and will be
posting upcoming classes on my Meetup at www.meetup.com/Body-Beloved-A-Tantric-Journey/and
on my newly redesigned website: www.body-beloved.com. Would love to hear what you think of it. Feedback is welcome!
I am interested in how your shadow is treating you these
days? Are you sitting with the darkness
and having a contemplative cup of tea or running and hiding from it with Ben
and Jerry's. A little of both like
me? Can you open your arms to the
discomfort and love that shadow part of you even though it is stinky and bad
mannered? Have you figured out a way to
cast out the shadow? Does it come back
anyway? Mine usually does.
I send deep love to you and to your shadow as we grow and
learn how to live these challenging lives!
Many Joy Filled Blessings!
Giving it to the fire!
