My Shadow Story
Wrestling with my shadow...my failures, my laziness, my resistance to change and the truth of now. Trying to buy a new place and realizing my limitations. Angry and resentful at my circumstances. Victim is rising up big time. Angry victim. Hello Beloved Ego. Here you are again. I love you!
Sometimes it's the smallest things that trigger me and sometimes it's about taxes. (LOL!) I've resisted doing 2015 taxes for the usual "I don't wanna" reasons to the underlying pain of not doing them in my beautiful old dining room. Grief rises up and I'm angry at myself for not still living there. Angry victim still visiting today. I forgot where the 2014 tax papers were and looked in the wrong spot were all the other taxes are stored. I asked spirit to help and immediately remembered where I put them. That was a lovely gift. More of that help seems to be showing up these days!
Then I watched myself angrily respond to a Facebook Papaji message about dropping the illusion. FUCK illusion! This shit is real! My angry child is feeling cornered and terrified.
"You want to kill me off. You hate me. I hate you too!" says my ego.
I respond;. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you." Not sure if that helped.
Oh my! I'd like to have less misery and still enjoy my emotions. Still enjoy all of this human ride. It's been a challenging and miserable one recently.
I've watched myself be angry about toilet paper. Repeatedly. Such an important topic, toilet paper, to be upset about. Do they think we don't notice that the rolls are not as wide and the center hole is wider? Please! I miss gallons of ice cream too. OY! These important issues I'm upset about. LOL! It does distract me from the ugly election and rising shadow of racism in this country, not to mention the horrifying violence in the world. I guess I prefer to be upset about toilet paper.
It's been a long time since I posted on this blog so let me catch you up on the many changes in my life. I sold my beautiful big home on Cowpens and rented a little Timonium rancher. Let me begin with the shadow side of the story. I'm still grieving the loss of that beautiful home. It feels like so many losses in the last year and a half. Losing Beloved Malcolm, letting go of my house and losing the trust in a good friend all beat me down and bit me in the ass. Most recently a month long flu weaken me greatly and added to the physical limitation of this body. Ego field day! Misery central.
Letting go of the comfort of that home has taken a part of my pride away. It was just the way I liked it and had created it. It showed off the prosperity and heritage that I had come from. Gone now! Oh, how the mighty Sherry has fallen! Matt Kahn told me humility was my life's theme. Seems I'm getting some big lessons in humility right now if I can stay out of the pity victim party. I may not seem so arrogant on the outside (I hope) but inside my head I'm an arrogant bitch. I catch myself and just roll my eyes; "Really Sherry?!?"
I'm always thinking I know when the real truth is I know nothing. I congratulate myself on the wisdom of not knowing, of course. LOL! Still I have this underlying sense I really know, that I've lived so many lives and am this wise old soul. Maybe. Maybe not. My thinking I know so much has been a great opening for naive gullibility. I've started to catch myself and ask if I really know that is true. Thank you Byron Katie!
This lesson in humility has brought shadow feelings to the surface. I've told myself many stories of disaster and ending. "I'm such a failure. I've failed at everything." "My life is over and I've failed." "I'm not good enough to teach." "What the fuck do I know." Oh, that's right, nothing!
Part of me wants to run and hide or hide this from you as I write it. Wow! This big shadow journey has really sucked! I like to also give myself some credit for surviving all these changes and watching the rise and fall of thoughts and emotions around all of it. What a ride! Now, hopefully, things are turning around. I probably wouldn't be writing if they weren't turning around. I'm finally over the long lasting virus and getting back to swimming. My body already feels stronger. Yeah! I've started to teach again and that feels great.
There are other stories of triumph though the last months that I've left out because I've been in the half empty glass story here. The fact I did successfully move after 18 years all my possessions from one place to another and weed out so many is a big success story. My many loving friends helped me and supported me through the move and I am incredibly grateful for all they did! I'm so very blessed! Wow! Although not entirely out of debt I am in a much better place and living more affordably now. Losing Malcolm has opened me for another intimate love to come into my life as I let myself grieve, cry, let go and then laugh and move on. The loss of trust in my friend made me take more responsibility and stand up more on my own. When things have been very dark I've remembered "this too shall pass" and found support and love when needed.
So my life is not over and I'm not such a failure. Yes, I've failed for sure and will again. And I have also succeeded. I've had so many loving friends and students remind me that I am worthy and good enough. I've received beautiful praise from many. The arrogant one in me is looking down on me for needing that recognition. 'Fuck off, oh great arrogant one.' I am grateful, very grateful for the love and support of the Beloved Other!
This move gave me permission to stop for a while and assess what I'm doing with this life of mine. Good news/bad news obviously. I'm happy to be coming into the half (or more)full feeling now. I've started teaching again and will be posting upcoming classes on my Meetup at www.meetup.com/Body-Beloved-A-Tantric-Journey/and on my newly redesigned website: www.body-beloved.com. Would love to hear what you think of it. Feedback is welcome!
I am interested in how your shadow is treating you these days? Are you sitting with the darkness and having a contemplative cup of tea or running and hiding from it with Ben and Jerry's. A little of both like me? Can you open your arms to the discomfort and love that shadow part of you even though it is stinky and bad mannered? Have you figured out a way to cast out the shadow? Does it come back anyway? Mine usually does.
I send deep love to you and to your shadow as we grow and learn how to live these challenging lives!
Many Joy Filled Blessings!