Holding My Shadow Gently

Holding My Shadow Gently

I'm holding my shadow gently as I birth into each new moment.  Watching gratitude rise up as victim quiets.  Each day calls me to its newness.  The habits of my life recreate sameness; some comforting, some not.  I'm a creature of comfort and habit looking for something new and exciting.  That paradox is not missed here.  

Yesterday was my first All Love class since before Margi died in early December.  It was a very small gathering of beautiful souls, just 3 of us, but it was deep and full of Love.  I'm so grateful for this amazing gift of All Love.  Thankful to its founder, my rascally friend and teacher Patrick Zeigler for gifting me with this energy to share!  I thank him for his dear friendship and his playful poignant jabs at my delusions and mind games.  He's less available to me these days as he becomes so busy teaching around the world.  That sucks!  And there's that unhappy victim again.  Oh well. 

Life/Spirit seems to be giving me challenges with the theme of lost loved ones.  This earth life is all about that kind of challenge.  Close intimate friendships and love have always been central to my well being and joy of living.  Aging inevitably brings this challenge forward.  And that just sucks!  There's my less than mature response.  It's an honest but guarded and somewhat flippant response as I hide the broken heart residing here.

So I'm rebuilding my life again without my constant companion friend Margi.  We spent so much time together and had so many wonderful comforting (not always healthy) habits we shared.  I'm angry and I'm also excited about what will open in my life through this change.  I missed my chance to reconnect with my Quaker community today, something I didn't even consider before Margi's death.  No more quiet Sundays with Margi waking up on my couch and getting up to bring me my cup of coffee I brewed for us.  And no more Sunday lunches out together.  This was our constant weekend ritual filled with laughter and movie watching.  Nothing like a friend who loves to make you laugh! 

The quiet in my life is astounding.  Great opportunity for re-establishing my sitting meditation practice that has fallen to brief moments of presence throughout my day.  As my heart longs for the comfort of loved ones lost I'm curious at what rises in my life now and look forward to what life/Spirit will bring in next.  Coming back to now as I write this, now as I watch the words appear on the page.  I only have now.  Even the now that dances in my mind with dear memories of the past or joyful plans of building my future with love.  So this is my journey for now Beloveds.  What is rising up in your beautiful life?  Sending love to you as we all stumble or dance onward into the ever present now. 

 I love you!

Happy June 2017 Beloveds

Happy June 2017 Beloveds!

Much has happened in the many months since I posted my last newsletter.  I'm now living happily in Pikesville, MD where I've begun to build my own small forest out back.  I do miss my amazing trees at Cowpens Avenue and the fabulous garden and trees out back at my rental in Timonium.  I'm getting used to having houses all around me here.  The spring has hidden a few, happily, and in a few years my new Green Giant Arborvitae will block the view of the house and road out back.

Here's a photo of me from this past December on the day I purchased the house.

After many months renovation and a long moving in period I do feel settled now.  I'm enjoying teaching All Love classes regularly and seeing my many wonderful clients here.  Patrick Zeigler, the Founder of All Love, will be in the area this June and July again.  I always enjoy reconnecting with him and diving deep in his classes.  Check out my newsletter below for dates and more musings. https://gem.godaddy.com/s/7f104a

I have a delightful and full June into July planned and the challenge of knee replacement to look forward to soon!  I suppose most of us don't look forward to surgery and I'm no different. Prayers are welcome.  Getting older certainly is a challenge especially for a big bodied woman.  The more aging happens to this body, the more challenge I have in accepting my body with love.  Recently I blurted out to a friend:  "Body Beloved my fat saggy old ass!"  Oops! I was laughing and kidding and not kidding at all.  Challenged by my own teaching and feeling like a fraud adds a nice twist to this story.  I find it a bit amusing when I'm not grousing about the reality of it all.  Not just the reality of aging but more my rejection and lack of love for myself in this body.  I do know better.  The old 'do what I say and not what I do' approach has flown up in my face.  Ugh!

The inside job for me now is to come back to the love that needs no outside reinforcement to exist,  love of myself and this body unconditionally.  I want to love all parts of me, even the part that wants to reject me in this body.  I need to let loving kindness arise for myself and for everyone else too.  Especially these days!

So have you ever had your own methodologies and teachings fly in your face?  How have you handled those embarrassing moments?  I could just not tell you about them and keep them secret but if you know me well, you know that doesn't work for me.  I may fool myself sometimes and create fiction in my head about what is going on.  I'll tell you those stories when I believe them but I'll tell you when they fall down too.  My middle name has often been 'Chagrin'.  ;)

One of my favorite quotes I got from my dear friend June: "Stumble on rejoicing."   So here I go again!  I have to add, 'stumble on rejoicing or bitching as the case may be.'  For a while the truth of all this wasn't funny and sometimes I still lose my sense of humor about aging.  Today I feel at peace with it, even as I limp to the bathroom hoping I'll make it in time.  LOL!  On that hopefully funny but truthful note I will close.  

I love you! 💕

And I love me too,  fat saggy old ass and all!  😉  💗