Here is the past blogs from 2009 to 2014. Enjoy!
I'm Back!
After hiding out and licking my wounds for a few weeks I'm returning to the
real world and to teaching again! I did get the amazing pleasure of teaching at
Winter Karmafest Lecture Series and Show on February 8th and 9th. What a joy
that was. It was in my Enlightenment Activation Class that I once again touched
the deep joy in me. I'm so very grateful to Patti Hawse, KarmaFest originator
and owner, for making that possible along with the 20 shining souls that came
to share the energy on that reawakening day for me! Thank you all!
It's been interesting to watch myself deal with the quiet that surrounds me
these days. I play a lot of Sudoku and Solitaire or get sucked up into
Facebook. Those activities are feeling less and less soothing as I realize the
quiet is not my enemy but my friend. I've dropped so many of my definitions of
myself...many more to go, and this deepens the silence in my life. I teach that
we need to make friends with the deep emptiness in us and I'm so much a 'run
screaming from it' kind of a girl. LOL! As I say often...I teach what I need to
learn! I am starting to move back into a deeper meditation practice. I have
been making my daily life my meditation by stopping to breath and become
present throughout the day. Sitting for 15 to 60 minutes has been on a back
burner for quite a while. I realized I needed this longer sitting again. It's
been years since I sat for an hour...starting with 15 to 20 minutes was my
goal. It was delightful to watch myself walk into the room with misery moving
along with me and the minute I sat down to meditate a smile moved onto my face.
And why had I waited so long???? LOL! The 20 minutes disappeared before I knew
it with stillness and peace arriving very quickly that day. I still need to get
into the daily practice but am delighted to be moving in that direction!
Send love and energy to me to get my ass in gear to finish the book I've begun.
I think you'll all find it fun and hopefully heart opening to read. There are
juicy tidbits from my Tantric explorations along with highs and lows of my
journey toward awakening. Here's a little preview:
~'I listened to the soft regular sound of his breath blending with the quiet
chanting, Jai Jai Om Jai! Wrapped gently in the crook of his arm I gazed across
his chest watching the multicolored prayer flags flap in the air conditioning.
His golden tan made the thick dark hair on his chest stand out in the late
afternoon sun. Our time together was ending and he would be off into his own
world again and I into mine. The intimacy we shared would dissipate into the
next moment of living. Hopefully the bliss of being in each new moment would
grow in him and unfold more of his days in joy. ' ~
Whadda ya think???? :O)
I hope you'll come share my next class on the last day of this month. I decided
to celebrate my return to joy as we let go of the snow and embrace the nearing
of Spring. Here it is:
All Love Enlightenment Activation Class
Friday, February 28, 2014
7:30pm-9:30pm (May run later)
Fee: $35
I'm still creating my March calendar and will be back in touch soon. It's good
to be back from hibernating!
Sex is a powerful and confusing
thing for our society. The prohibitions about it are ancient. Those
prohibitions have, in whole or part, created things like porn. We humans
exploit ourselves and each other in so many ways. We're lost in our heads
and disconnected from our hearts. I've been in a sex positive community
for several years now. Most of them don't view porn the same way
"polite society" does. I partially agree. Anything can be
misused and exploited. Some porn is what I'd call vile while other porn
is funny and erotic. There are men and women in the porn industry that are
being exploited and some who say they do the work happily. I don't know
what is true and it may change moment to moment. I work with sacred
sexuality, seeing sex as a sacred expression and another way to heal.
Does this mean that some consenting sex is not sacred? I face my own
biases and prejudices with sex as I learn more and more of my limits and my
openness to different sexual views. The porn industry may serve a
positive purpose at times...odd as that is to say. It may be rare but in
some instances porn could be less black and white exploitive as it seems.
Feel into what is triggered in you as you look into this sexual issue.
Can you imagine that it is not as clearly wrong as you think? Can you
imagine that some of it could serve a healthy or healing purpose? Could
some of it be art? Some say any nude painting or picture is porn. I
doubt any of you reading this would agree with that. I pray that any soul
captured in the sex industry unwillingly is set free and that the shadow of the
industry is exposed and healed. I hope our society is healed of its'
powerfully negative view and limiting view of sex. We've made tremendous
strides in my life time but we have a long way to go!
Uncomfortable dreams last night
reflected the complaining place I've been in lately. Years ago I took a
gratitude class and we had to go on a complaint fast. It kicked my ass
and also made me conscious how much of our day to day conversation is about
complaining. I want to complain about all the complaining - funny and so
mirror reflective. I spent over a year complaining about my young wild
unpredictable lover recently. When I realized what I'd been doing I was
so embarrassed. Humbled. In the class I was taught that complaining
releases energy without moving or resolving anything. We stay in the same
place while we make someone else wrong. This complaining place in me
needs to be dug into to see what's underneath. What first comes to mind
is fear and anger about my life situation. My comfort zone is
blown. The walls of my comfortable prison, or quote Mark Nepo: 'fish
tank', have dropped and I'm terrified to step out into the unknown. All
my bad habits are confronting me so I want an outside target to blame. I
talked with my dear friend/teacher Patrick Zeigler and he told me I was
miserable because I was in judgment. At first I heard it as judgment of
others and then it became clear the one I was judging was myself.
Okay...and everybody else too. Easier to point the finger at someone
else. So I have not been loving toward myself or others
recently. I've been loosing my sense of humor too. So it's
time to laugh and love more, love all of me and you...not just the easy
parts. I've been telling myself unhappy stories and resisting the truth
of my uncertainty, my groundlessness. Sharing this is helping me embrace
it - at least in this moment. Life seemed easier when I could just blame
everybody else. Rats! Just kidding. I love you! I
love me! And I take a breath and begin again.
Breathe in the gifts of 2013,
the broken and the exalted moments, the turmoil and the peace.
Breathe out the gratitude for this year of change and transformation,
challenge and ease.
Breathe into the Love that is here now
and
Always!
Breathe out Love into the world!
May 2014 bring you great peace, ease and delightful awakened moments with each
precious breath you take!
Loving you!
Did you get the license plates of
the trucks that just ran over me? I've been less in touch here due to all
the changes in my life. I'm moving in and out of a state of overwhelm as
I face this unfolding. Since July I've let go of my sweet 13
and 19 year old pups, ended my relationship with my lover and now I'm selling
my beautiful home. I'm still reeling with all these changes. My
life is so quiet it has an echo to it. There are days when I sink into
stillness and quiet like a hot tub and other days when I run screaming from the
emptiness.
I watch myself and this monkey mind trying to figure out how to solve
this "problem". Monkey mind thinks I'm losing at the game of
chess. It keeps looking at all the pieces and can't figure out which move
is next. I had a few sleepless nights when I first realized the choice
facing me was sell or not meet my monthly bills. I know I'm not alone in
facing these challenges. I'd always thought I'd catch up with myself
without having to sell but that door seems closed now. I'm still
open for a money miracle so I can stay here and willing to make that miracle
through the house sale as well.
I like telling the story that the Universe has better plans for me
elsewhere. I realize those plans are up to me, as is my acceptance or
lack acceptance and surrender to whatever comes. I continue to want to
serve Unconditional Love and Spirit as best I can and surrender to that, beyond
what I believe or project that means. I have a sticker on my refrigerator
that seems more and more appropriate:
Let Go or Be Dragged
I'm so aware that my resistance to what is and my clinging and attachment are
causing my pain. Part of me says, "Yeah? So what! F**k
you and your Buddhist ideology!" Oh, I forgot...that was before I
evolved. Oops.
Really though, I've always felt we come into this human game to become attached
and to dive into the juiciness of our pleasure and pain. So I've got some
real juiciness right now. In knowing that attachment is not a bad
thing but a healthy human reality I also know there are healthy and unhealthy
kinds of attachment. Obviously I seesaw back and forth on this measure.
Being attached also teaches us to let go and accept what is or we'd all be
Buddha. Learning that takes time and a big spoonful of self love through
the process! It's hard right now for me to drop out of the past/future
mind game into the present moment. The contrast of my life and my
clinging to past structures and supports as they fall away is kicking my ass.
As I've said time and time again...I teach what I need to learn. So I've
worked not to be a whiney miserable friend while still leaning on my Beloved
Others as I move through this scary time. Thank you all who have been
there for me...especially through my miserable whining!
I've been feeling so very vulnerable and at risk, more than I've felt in a very
very long time. I've felt shame about my position, especially with my
family. Me, who teaches to let go of shame. ACK! I'm humbled
by this turn of events. Looking at the contrasts and tragedies others
suffer, I know how very blessed I am even amid this difficult period.
Knowing that does give me perspective and reminds me to be grateful. I'm
offering grateful for the ease in my life and even these life challenges.
The last time I faced a major shocking upheaval in my life was 10 years ago
when my husband left me for another woman. I didn't know how I
would survive. From here I see it was the turning point that propelled me
into great joy and growth beyond anything I could have imagined.
So I'm curious what The Beloved has in store for me now. Here is the poem
I shared 10 years ago with my friends.
The Guest House by Rumi translated by Coleman Barks
This being human is a guest houses.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the
malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
So dear one, I remain curious at what new delight I'm being emptied
for. There's part of me excited about what lies ahead...when I'm
not trembling in fear. I hope you'll stay connected as this venture
unfolds. Hold me in the Light with love and prayers as I also will hold
you.
If you or a friend are interested in this beautiful well loved home surrounded
by trees please give me a call at 
410-598-1010. I'm asking $449,000 and
really wanting tree huggers who will protect and love my 1 1/4 acre full of
standing people (trees)!
Can we
love so completely, so unconditionally that we fully let go of any clinging and
accept any outcome lovingly? Have you experienced that kind of love, the
love that has no need other than to be received?
I want to learn to love so fully that I can include all outcomes, life or
death, loving the dark and the light..Loving it all. From the seed of God
that love is born, the God of unconditional love; so vast...so prevailing...so
fine it seems illusive and unattainable. Unattainable because I want to
run from that level of acceptance and love. My human judgment balks at
such ideas. My humanness runs from a Divine Love that embraces the All,
loving all outcomes unconditionally. That love is so bright it blinds
me. I want to look away, avoiding the very thing I'm truly seeking and
longing for. It's a love that demands dropping all need. I'm more
comfortable with my needy co-dependent love. It's safer and easier to
hold because unconditional love cannot be held. It's like a wave, a flow
of the Divine moving through me, us. It is the open heart without
demand. I want to risk loving that much! I want to risk being
blinded by the Truth of Unconditional Love. I believe I'll discover that
I've been truly blind living without it. All Love!
This is my November Thanksgiving newsletter post:
'I am delighting in the season today, looking forward to Thanksgiving with
friends tomorrow. Last year I was in a contracted fearful state about
finances struggling with the Holidays. I just wanted to cancel everything
and hide. It's such a gift to be in such a different space
now. Looking back on that time I feel relief that I survived
my own bad attitude.
So today and for this season I am doing a gratitude practice for all my
blessings and all my challenges. Facing loss and pain has been a big
teacher and though I certainly prefer the delightful blessings of love and joy
much better, I know the dark colors have painted a picture with depth. As
you sit at your Thanksgiving feast tomorrow consider all the blessings, even
the ones that pushed you to grow.
Here's the view from where I sit to write to you. I'm
delighted to my plants indoors for the winter. They keep getting bigger
and bigger and are beginning to be like a little indoor forest. They are
good company for me! :O)'
-o-
I hope your Thanksgiving was sweet and you're enjoying this Holiday
season.
Many Blessings!
I published this in my October 2012
newsletter. Be sure to go to my Homepage on this website, www.body-beloved.com
and click the "Join Now" button if you would like to start receiveing
my newsletters with updates and specials.
I finally got it!
You know I'm a work in progress and usually teach the very thing I need to
learn. Once again life has poked me with a stick to show me where changes
need to be made.
I was sitting at one of my favorite lunch spots, Italian Garden, and found a
letter from the Director of Finance in my bag I hadn't opened. I opened it
and my hands began to shake as sweat broke out on my forehead. I was
staring dumbstruck at an $800+ over due tax bill. Fear and overwhelm
rocketed through me. I was fully in panic mode trying to figure out how
this could be right. Why had they disallowed all my deductions?
Then it happened... I asked myself what the hell was I doing.
"It's only m..m..m..money" I heard from the movie 'Scrooged'.
My account was already getting lower than my comfort zone but I did have the
money to pay the bill if I had to.
In that moment I realized I was telling myself the story of doom. All
that had happened was I got a letter that might mean I owe more money than I
thought. Scenes of fighting on the phone with bored unhelpful government
employees danced in my head, (I think I'd prefer sugar plums), along with
a cascade of financial ruin that could follow. I chose to stop myself
from panicking, stop my shaking and resolve that it was indeed only money and I
would handle it not matter what. I knew reacting in panic wasn't going to
fix anything and it could make things much worse. If I go in and act like
an angry victim on the phone I'm lots less likely to get the help I need in
resolving my problem. I also watched the sickness in my body that the panic
brought in. I knew it was the 'stories' in my head about the future
'what ifs' triggering me. I had seen how these stories made me sick in
the past and I was going to choose a different experience this time. And
I did! I chose to have a nice lunch and get over it. I knew I would
handle it!
I actually ended up weeping with gratitude for the lesson and that I could stop
my panic and choose another way. Delightedly my one call to the State
immediately resolved the issue and they are correcting the tax return. No
more $800 tax bill but a giant lesson in return.
I still watch myself create scenarios of disaster in my head, especially about
finances. When I catch myself living in ugly future stories I stop and
take a breath. I feel my body. I feel the air around me and I come
into the present moment. This moment with all its' juicy 'now'ness has
more sweetness than all the stories in my head. Now is not always fun or
easy but it gets lots easier without the ugly stories I tell myself.
So...I finally got it! Hopefully I'll remember it!!!!
The rest of the story...
Since I wrote and published this article I had the delight of receiving
a check in excess of $700 from the State. They recalculated and realized
I actually overpaid them. Whoot! So since the day I stopped my
panic and decided I would handle whatever came up I've repeatedly had financial
windfalls and increasingly good income. It's amazing what a change of
attitude can make. May we all find ways to let go of our fears and live
in the love that just waits for us. Love to All!
I’ve recently had a rather big turn
around that both amuses and at some level aggravates me. The aggravations
and amusement come from the fact that I often teach this and I “should know
better!” To be dramatic or poetic…. I had a cowboy named ‘Misery’ riding
me hard with his spurs cutting deep into my sides. I was bruised and
bleeding out my vitality from this savage ride. I finally threw him off
my back and promised to stomp him if he came back!
Why did the cowboy get on? I created
him with the stories I was telling myself. I’ve been exhausted and having
more body pain in the last few months with seemingly increasing body
challenges. I realized I was telling myself it was all downhill from now
on. I created the story that my life would only be filled with more of
what was occurring now. This increased the pain and discomfort that was
usually fleeting into a self fulfilling deepening tragedy. With that
story playing in my head I was trapped on this self imposed miserable ride.
It was amazing how quickly my energy
and joy came back when I realized with chagrin what I had been creating for
myself. Doing a sitting with Saniel Bonder and his process, Waking Down
in Mutuality (WDM), recently helped shine the light onto what was happening.
Saniel teaches that we have a core wound in our limitations as a finite
being in a body. We are vulnerable and accepting that reality does
not keep us from pain. Pain and vulnerability are part of this
experience. The trick, he points out, is to not compound it. I was
compounding the real pain with a story about what is happening or will happen.
I dug a deeper hole to live in.
I have become a fan of WDM in their
full embrace of this world and beyond. They seem to fully embrace Oneness and
Non Duality while embracing duality and ego as a part of the play of our
embodied reality. That is what I understand is the Tantric path although
they do not call it that. http://www.wakingdown.org/ They brought
to my attention how, at some level, I was denying the darkness and ‘core wound’
this life presents. I can fall into the “airy fairy” new age ‘it’s all
good’ philosophy that seems to deny the reality of pain and suffering that
exists in this mortal life. In looking at this now, I think it was my
over reaction. I was working to not be lost and over whelmed by the truth
of pain and suffering that exists in my life and in the world. It helped
me stop the stories of dread and disaster that would rise up in me but used the
same misguided technique of telling a story to stop that process. The
honesty and rawness of just being in the moment with whatever is unfolding was
missed. Every moment is new. My stories have kept me from that
truth. I teach breathing into the moment. Too bad I don’t live
there more!
I still am a bit devoted to some of
my stories. I’d like to think only the happy pretty ones but I know
better. I continue to peel away the dross and work to stay more and more
present. I don’t know what it’s like to live without a story. Maybe
that’s what ego is all about, My Story. Oddly and delightedly WDM
embraces the ego. They encourage healing and maturing the ego. So
what does that mean? To me, it means catching the stories and being able
to enjoy them at some level while also knowing how to let them go or have them
in perspective. This is a truth I’ve lived with for some time before
finding WDM. I may be projecting that view onto them. We shall see
as I spend more time in their “mutuality”. :O)
Several teachers have put it this
way. When you go to a movie you know it’s just light projected on a
screen. It isn’t real. It’s a story. But my Beloved teacher
Arjuna Ardagh points out, why would you pay your money and not enjoy the
experience? So, can I get fully involved in My Story while still
remembering it’s a story I mostly made up? That’s tricky and surprisingly
challenging on a moment to moment basis! I also can see that these
stories truly do create our lives and our experience. As Mike Dooley
says; “Thoughts become things. Choose good ones!” As I get up once
again from the floor where I have thrown myself, I wonder what stories I’ll
dance or fall with today? I continue to be amused and aggravated that I
get thrown by the very things I teach others.
Just call me Sherry Chagrin.
Beloved XTC encouraged me to begin
to share the dark path I have walked and get more honest about the ongoing
struggles I face each day as I stumble on rejoicing or bitching as the case may
be. And so I begin...
on February 23, 2012:
Writing through my heartbreak and
longing, I see the words fall in raw sweetness on the page. They start to
chisel an opening through my pain. The sharpness of the pain is my real
beginning. I'm so hardened over and protected. Breaking through the
concrete of my defense is jarring.
The pain falls off in chunks
spraying the dust of the past in the air to choke me. I can barely
breathe as more and more debris fills the air. Gray and uncertain I lose
myself in my imagined fog.
Under all that concrete my vulnerable
open heart sits waiting to be free again, waiting to expand wider than the
Universe. Inside that vulnerability is a fearless loving consciousness at
ease with what is, patiently waiting to be discovered again and again as I get
lost in my concrete, my stories...even my excavation.
This excavation distracts me,
becoming just one more story in a long line of tales, both real and imagined.
Needs and wants unfulfilled become new wounds, pouring fresh thick
grayness to enclose my already captured heart.
I suffocate in my rigidity. I
choke in my way, my wants, my demands.
I
want to die...
to
escape.
Spewing my 'adult' temper tantrum;
Why
be human?!?
Why be in a body?!?
WHY?!?!
My loneliness and fear turns into my
raging angry child.
Dreams
of screaming at others to "get out!" begin.
I am raging inside and
pretending all is OK outside.
My pretense is a thin veneer
covering my neediness, my chaos, and my terrifying fear.
And then there's this other space
inside me, always watching; seemingly at rest, empty, and wide open.
I don't really want the story of
this life to be over. Just as I don't want the story of my intimacy with
XTC to be over. I don't want this lifetime to end...not yet.
More please!
I continue to excavate my heart and
hopefully not get so lost doing so.
So
where is my jackhammer?
When
do we start living what we speak, teach or know. I have known for years
not to take things personally and I’ve been unable to live that knowledge in
tough moments. I certainly love to take compliments personally but in
doing so I invite in scorn and blame. The Tao says in creating beauty we
create ugliness. So it is with praise and blame. This is the realm
of opposites and everything in between. I’m hoping I’ve moved a little
further away from the extreme opposites with praise and blame, neither craving
one nor collapsing with the other. This weekend I was once again
challenged with taking someone’s actions as a personal insult or letting them
go as just their actions and having nothing to do with me. A few moments
were spent brooding with the pain of the actions and how they affected my
life. Then I was pleased to see an opening and lifting of the hurt.
I knew I was projecting a story onto his actions that had nothing to do with
me. Inconvenient as his behavior may have been to my projected plans I
was able to know I was taking it personally and pull back from anger and
negative reactions. Wow! Now what will happen next time. It
almost feels like a switch has gone off. I like that story! We
shall see when once again I am disappointed or blamed….or praised. One
day at a time! And so it goes!
The reflection
of my own fear and pain sat in his eyes. I was torn open and tendrils
attached to my heart. The illusionist in him opened the doors to show me
exactly what he needed me to see. I was swept into Neverland, my own lost
child running and playing with his. What an amazing ride! I was
never much of a camper so I did not choose to make Neverland my home. I
longed for civilization and the comfort of the familiar. Still there are
days I long for the excitement and uncertainty of my Beloved Pan, never knowing
what Peter, Tink or Captain Hook will do next. He became them all and
more.
His dark eyes
and mischievous smile enchanted me but his warm inviting sensual embrace
remains unforgettable. There are those who can embrace you with their
bodies and some who embrace you with their whole beings. Pan was one of
those amazing creatures. His embrace was not only of the body but of the
soul. Union was a familiar and hungered for dance in him. He
reflected my own hunger for that sweet merging, beyond one, beyond two, fully
into All.
I was not his
only Wendy. He has many. It seems only right to share the joy and
pain. And there was much pain. As the delightful illusion wore off,
the reality of illness and lostness became more and more apparent in both of
us. He mirrored all my childish lost demands and desires. It was
time for Wendy to grow up even if Pan could not. I left him in Neverland
hoping he would someday come join me in the real world. I continue to
hope he comes to find me here, for the loss of the Union is an ache in me I
struggle to fill today. In my solitary oneness I can allow merging with
All and it is Complete, beyond sweet. Yet in my duality, the longing for
the dance with the Beloved Other into Union calls me back to Neverland.
If only I
could fly once again in the illusion Pan so masterfully wove. Fly safe
Beloved and if you ever become grounded in Truth, if you ever leave the
illusion of Neverland, please come find me. I love you, Pan. I always
will.
What we say about others is more descriptive of who we are than
who they are. As I write the stories of my life I recognize again
and again how I am projecting a “story” about the characters there.
Certainly recently I have been immersed in the story of XTC. Wild
and unpredictable is the first brush stroke I would use on my painting of him,
inadequate as that may be. Learning to live with uncertainty and longing
colors much of my experience during our time of relating. I continue to
both long for him and fear him now. The stories I tell myself and others
of the dance between us out-pictures who I am and may or may not reflect any
real glimpse of the truth of who he actually is. I cannot help but hear
Byron Katie in my head, “I am whoever you project me to be.”
This falling in love thing is a real bitch and one of the most
powerful roller-coasters we can ride in this embodiment. I fell for
XTC hard and am still “in need” of him. In love is in need, no getting
around it. The bonding and attachment is powerful and uncontrollable,
which makes it so exciting and so exasperating. The intensity of my
feelings for him kept me off my feet for the 8 or so months I was on again-off
again with him. Yes, the off the feet, feet in the air part was seriously
fun! It is now off and may or may not remain so. Everyday I
consider contacting him in one way or another. We are so different yet
somewhere I project complimentary. The sex was some of the most intimate
and the most transcendent of my life. Only my first husband could meet
the depth of union I experienced from this self described Tantrika. This
part of the story keeps me linked and somewhat addicted to XTC, my projection
of him. Who was he really? Who is he now? We never really
stay static…but do seem to get in ruts when we work at it. I have been a
master at recreating the same negative loops in my life. I do worry that
reconnection with Beloved XTC would recreate such a loop.
Greetings
Again Beloveds,
This
posting is more sexually explicit than those before so be forewarned if you do
not wish to read such things. I have a new friend and playmate that has
rocked my world. I’ll call him XTC here. I met XTC at a party in
May and was enchanted by his wild Mohawk do and sparking diamond earring set
against his smooth ebony skin. I walked over to meet him and he purred up
against me embracing and encircling me under his arm as “formal” greetings
commenced. His hand began to firmly caress my back as we stood
comfortably entwined. My knees went weak. “The Goddess is
pleased.” I cooed surprised at the hot rush of passion I felt pouring through
me. I would have thrown him on the floor then and there but it wasn’t
that kind of party. Before long he walked through my door for the first
time. I never thought a man could outlast me but this beautiful 35 year
old has proven me wrong. After 3 hours of unbelievable pounding sex I
cried “uncle”! I am someone who can spend hours in bed making love but I
have never had a lover who can go on with such wild abandon for so long!
Afterwards I took two wrong turns trying to find the Towson Diner for our late
dinner together. The Diner is just around the corner from me!!! XTC
has mastered the ability of having orgasms without ejaculating and can stay
hard for hours. My God, I have met Sting! :O) But
that is not the part that really ignites me. OK, yes, it has a big effect
since I can barely walk or see straight afterwards but these delicious pleasures
take a back seat to Presence.
XTC
practices Yoga and meditates daily. He understands that we are spirits in
bodies and he understands deep silence. In our first half hour of play
and discovery we started breathing deeply in unison pulsing in rhythm with the
penetration. The intensity built with the breath and movement. Oneness
blew us both wide open. Boundaries dissolved, time dissolved, thought
disappeared and Being emerged. As I type this a silence of Being peaks
through in this moment. At dinner XTC looked at me with his coyly curious
eyes and asked, “What was your favorite part?” My first response was,
“The moment when your heart opened and I could feel our hearts connect.” then,
“Oh! And that amazing blowing into Oneness with our breath!” He had
to prompt me to ask him his favorite moment since my marbles were still not
back together. He beamed and described the feeling of boundaries
dissolving dropping us into Everything. I praise this new Shiva that has
entered my life. I am honored and grateful to share this human experience
with XTC for whatever time is ours to share. Om Namah Shivah! I
praise the God within!
XTC
has given me the gift of experiencing fully what I guide my clients toward in
my Tantra sessions, expanding beyond the consciousness of separation and
merging into the Great Union. You merge with Divine Being and see it
reflected in your lover’s eyes. Tan means expanded awareness and Tra is
technique or tool. Tantra as one word means ‘weave’, the weave of all
life. Many have wondered how I move through a session with my
clients and it is time to share that here.
You
enter the Temple of the Goddess when you come for a Tantra session. My
home is Her Sanctuary. I pray to the Divine Mother to guide me through
each session and to attune it to your specific needs. After you arrive we
get to know each other a little and we discuss and clarify boundaries.
The Goddess donation covers the teaching shared and any sensual or sexual touch
is between consenting adults. You let me know your intention for
the session, any special issues you wish to work on or clear. I then
guide you in a meditation to take you more deeply into your heart and
body. The mediation is profoundly relaxing and brings you into a state of
peace and presence. Many clients are amazed at the depth of well being
they achieve in this short meditation. We then do some gazing into each
others eyes to connect at a heart and soul level, to see the Divine within the
other. After gazing and connecting I teach you ways to move energy in
your body with breath, sound and movement that will expand the orgasmic
experience beyond what is often called the ‘pelvic sneeze’. Through using
these techniques you can experience a full body orgasm and, as with XTC, blow
into union with All!
Then
you move to the massage table to open your body to deeper pleasure with sensual
touch. All of the work is guided by your comfort level and the boundaries
that are established at the beginning of the session. I have had the
delight of seeing one of my clients have a 15 minute orgasm because he watched
his breath through the whole session. It actually could have gone on
longer but our time had sadly run out. Breath is the key. Try to
experiment with it at home or work with a Tantrica to find out what you may
have been missing. Our bodies have so much more capacity than we could
ever imagine. It would be an honor to work with you in your
explorations. My Temple awaits. Love and Blessings to All!
A
dear new friend asked me recently what do I believe. Here is my somewhat
edited answer:
‘You
asked me last night what I believe in. I am letting go of belief moving
into Knowing. Belief comes from what others have told you; from
socialization or indoctrination. I Know I have a choice about how I will
react to the world around me and whether I live being in my body and heart or
in the constantly chattering monkey mind. I Know wide open unending
Consciousness. I Know the power and full embrace of Unconditional
Love. I Know Loving Ones both in body and in spirit draw close to support
me/us in this earthly journey. If I have a religion it is
Unconditional Love and Loving Kindness. Thank you for asking.’
Truthfully
I am still full of belief but I’m working on letting go of those that limit or
do not serve me. I am grateful for the teaching of no right and wrong, it
just is. Accepting what is certainly takes a lot less energy than
resisting it; good old Buddhist/Taoist no resistance, no clinging. I know
that there is something to the Buddhist teaching of ‘right action’. One
action will bring more heaviness and tension into your life while another will
bring lightness, ease, an uplifting feeling inside. I think Abraham
Hicks talked about it as not paddling up stream.
I
see as I get older that I become more and more uncertain of anything.
Instead of this upsetting me it feels like a kind of freedom. I depend
more on the moment and less on planning and calculating. I am learning to
let go into the moment more and finding myself falling more into joy….when I ‘m
not calculating and planning of course. :O)
It
is interesting to look at what I Know/believe now, although challenging.
My new friend who questioned me comes from a very traditional southern
Christian upbringing. He has witnessed demons being cast
out
in church and speaks about people having “the anointing”. He seems
very devout in many ways along with being very untraditional. He has said
to me that if the Truth is something other than what he has believed he wants
to learn and grow into that. It is a joy and a challenge getting to know
him since his belief structure triggers many of my old ways of
thinking/believing. These old beliefs come with a “gonna get ya” attached, a
wrathful God. Fear based beliefs are the opposite of where my heart takes
me.
I
began with a rather open Quaker upbringing, drifted into a ‘Bible beating'
stage where I would recommit myself to Jesus on every other Sunday at the
Baptist church across from our Quaker Meeting. I was one of the leaders
of a small ecumenical Christian group and would preach from the pulpit there.
I had a very personal relationship with Christ and would allow the
words I spoke from the pulpit to channel through me. Although most of the
other leaders would speak of right and wrong, heaven and hell, my messages
always spoke of God’s love. I never dealt with evil or the wrath of
God. I feared it existed as I feared many things then. Even back
then fear seemed the wrong direction and certainly never arose during the
channeling that came through me. Only the promise of God’s love and
forgiveness or the plea to love one another rang through. As I remember
the times I channeled God’s message I would often feel a rising up of love that
almost overpowered me. It echoes some of the Tantra and Kundalini
experiences I have felt recently.
I
am delighted to say I have discarded most of the fear based beliefs and enjoy
being constantly curious at what is unfolding before me. What I Know
remains in the background. I watch my monkey mind and then
drop into my heart and feel Unconditional Love, abundance and loving
kindness! That is where I want to live.
Greetings once again Beloveds. I have been thinking of writing for a while
and finally feel inspired to share a few stories with you. Over the last 3 or 4 years I have heard from
several intuitives that a book is on the horizon for me. I like writing when I have a drive and
passion behind my work. I wrote one
erotic story years ago as if I could not stop the flow onto the page. It just had to come out of me. I think it was
a good amusing story as well as erotic.
Much of it was taken from my actual experience including my first
spontaneous orgasm in the middle of a popular chain restaurant. That was a surprise! These days I would not be so surprised,
delighted yes…surprised no.
Recently I realized I was waiting to start because I did
not have the end of the story. Since I
was going to once again use my life experience to base the work on I thought
how funny that is. I keep waiting to
feel complete and accomplished…done.
LOL! I wonder if even death
affords us that kind of completion.
Since it is a bit hard to write a book after I’m dead I think I may try
to start with what I have. Otherwise I
will have to be one more channeling spirit from the “other side”.
This blog is providing me with a small beginning. I also journal almost daily and have captured
my many ups and downs as I stumble along rejoicing and/or bitching as the case
may be. My intention for a book is to
let others know how powerfully rewarding and at times difficult or frightening
the journey to the heart can be. I hope
to provide a story that opens the heart bringing the reader into the present
moment...a place I have visited occasionally.
Maybe that is what I keep waiting for, a firmer foundation in the
present moment. This is a great excuse
to keep me from writing but I think I am figuring out my undermining
strategy.
On other
fronts, recently I had a client come see me that said he felt stuck. He hoped working with me and learning some
Tantra would open him up. When I asked
him how he described himself he didn’t know how to answer me. I found this delightful. He did not see himself as his name, his
gender or his profession. He was truly
at a loss and I was very excited for him.
He sounded more unstuck than most folks I know, he just hadn’t seen it
yet. We talked about how one of the
ancient roads to Enlightenment is the question, “Who am I? Who is asking that
question?”, etc. Although he did not
have a solid definition of himself to entangle him, he did have stress built up
from his work life. Happily by the end
of our session he told me he felt completely empty in a good way and deeply at
ease. Through the guided meditation,
energy connection and sensual touch we both enjoyed spending time in the
present moment. I encouraged him to
return and I watched myself almost clinging to this wonderful and successful
session. I saw my desire rise up to work
with him again. In a flash I was back in
the past/future mind game. I had to
laugh at myself. It is such a pleasure
for me when someone comes looking for freedom, looking for a deepening in
spirit. I am happy and comfortable with
those who come out of curiosity and/or pleasure alone but those who want to
find a deepening in and through themselves really light up my world. I am feeling gratitude warm my heart as I
write this. Thank You!
Lastly, I want everyone to know I recently found my soul
mate. It’s me. Who knew?
I am not always the best company but I do have everything in common with
me. :O)
Most of the time I am easy to get along with. Being polyamorous I’m still looking for
friends to share experiences with and to share my life but I am working on
developing the primary relationship, a more loving forgiving relationship with
me.
And so it goes for now.
Your thoughts and reactions are always welcome!
Namaste’
Watching the tide of thought and
emotion as I play “Hide and Go Seek” with my True Self each day. I’m reading Busting Loose From the Money
Game by Robert Scheinfeld. He has
echoed so much of what I know/feel about this life game we all play. He uses an Easter egg hunt as one of his
allegories of the game. I am not quite
half way through it but I like the direction he is heading.
It is fascinating to watch where I
am now in contrast to the past. Dancing
with the sacred sexual has completely changed my life. I feel more whole and grounded, more at ease
with who I am even in the face of living so outside the box of society. I did something very unlike me
recently. I said no to a charming sexy
young man who wanted to date me. He
found me through my website and contacted me first to set up an appointment and
then asked if I would consider meeting him and getting to know him personally.
I met him for a lunch after a phone call or two. I could feel his attraction to me and his
caring interest but I could also see how we are too different. I am not looking for a clone of myself but I
am looking for a soul who has traveled the spiritual/energy transformational
path and can share that journey with me.
I felt I would be in the role of the teacher and if that is the case he
is welcome to see me professionally and then maybe a friendship can bloom. I could hear and feel his disappointment and
it was very hard having been in his position so many times myself.
This is one of the first times I
have said no to such interest having dated very little in the past. I know this was the right decision but I
have never liked or wanted to be saying no. I certainly have not liked hearing
it regarding sexual emotional issues. It
was at a Tantra class that I realized I feared hearing no from men so much that
I did not ask for what I wanted.
Something to definitely get over since there are many times when no is
more kind and more appropriate than yes whether directed at me or another. Also if you don’t ask for what you want you
will be sure not to get it! I have
stopped playing it so safe that I went through life more dead than alive. I truly have started living fully at the ripe
age of 58!
I watch myself already missing this
new fellow’s attention.
Interesting. There is also the
joy of getting to know someone new. I
brought a halt to that as well. Even
with my regrets I know it was the best thing for both of us. He did remind me of my ex-husband. My Ex is also a Virgo and a charming
attractive younger man. They are even
close to the same age and have some of the same ethnic background. He was a
wonderful partner in many ways through a tough time in my life but I never felt
well matched to him. Osho says you are
always alone even when you are in a relationship. My last marriage (I have had two) spoke
volumes on that. I never felt a good
balance with him although he could be good company. I now see myself looking for more of a shared
experience. I am also comfortable with
not being in relationship. My work gives
me wonderful loving connections with good boundaries, odd as that may seem to
some, that fills some of the drive I have had for relationship. I like the ease this has created in me.
It is strange, however, to have been
so close to someone and have them drop entirely out of my life without the
involuntary means of death. So it is
with my Ex and now my young lover (YL).
There are three women in this category also with two having been my
choice to sever the connection. I do
have a “That’s Enough” button. Once it
is pushed I seldom look back. It is hard
for me to accept this complete ending with YL since I had always known it would
end as a romance but thought the friendship would last a lifetime. So much for my forecasting ability! This is an echo of the hardest thing about my
Ex leaving me for another woman; that I did not see it coming. I lost faith in myself for a while after
that. There are those blinders in that
game of life again. That devastating
time at the end of my second marriage opened the doors for the deep
transformative work and the amazing joy I have experienced since. It opened the doors to my delightful Tantric journey. Although I still grieve the empty space
where YL used to be I also have such gratitude that it is empty. That emptiness leaves room for other joys to
come in and for me to go deeper into comfort with my aloneness, something I had
fought tooth and nail in the past.
Thanks Osho and YL for guiding me to the Truth of what can be the
delight of being alone.
So what has changed recently or what
do I see differently? I am indeed more
comfortable with my aloneness and even my increasing isolation from
society. When I have a day with no
friends in it I can accept the time alone with more grace. I am one of those
people who both crave being with others and then craves alone time. Both are a must for me. Working with the Sacred Sexual I find myself
very fulfilled sexually and more at ease with my totality, enjoying my self
pleasuring and the attention given to me from my clients. I no longer think they are lying to me when
they tell me how beautiful I am.
At the recent family gathering I
watched myself go into self loathing again about not being the right size to be
acceptable. I grew up with beauty queens
and cheerleaders. My body type never fit
that style. I am here to say you do not
have to fit that style to be adored by men.
The one likely pre-requisite is to adore yourself first. Standing in my power and channeling the
Divine Mother has opened this self love and the adoration I receive from
others. I bask in this loving worship
but am careful not to take all the credit.
I am a mirror to their own delight, their own beauty, their own joy…as
they are to me.
I remember how angry and hurt I was
when I was praising my Reiki Master and he would deflect my adoration. I am lovingly accepting their love and
worship while watching that I do not take their power from them or try to
elevate myself above them. Some
Goddesses do have “slaves” and I find that the opposite of what Tantra is
about. It is a dance of equals, a dance
of the God and Goddess. A few have
raised me up into an elevated position and those who do seem to need a
placeholder until they can see they are strong enough to become “That”
themselves. I will be their placeholder
until they can see that what they are projecting on me is in their own hearts, is indeed their True Self. We are all Gods here playing “Hide and Go
Seek” with ourselves. I am honored to
play in this game and to dance with others as they play along.
And so it is.
Greetings Beloveds,
I am sitting in my big gold chair in my living room after a lovely day at
home. I have had one wonderful client come by today. It is a joy to
meet new people and share the healing of this work with them. I put my
Real Estate license in referral in September and have had an abundant practice
since. Adding Tantra and the Sacred Sexual into the work I do with
clients has deepened and expanded the sessions I provide and the joy I
feel in my work. My returning clients give me great joy as I see
them dive deeper into themselves and the delight of being alive in a
body. I am humbled to be a part of their transformational journey.
In the future I will tell some stories that may or may not have anything to do
with reality. This will keep everyone's confidentiality and allow me to
share healing transformations here.
On a person note, as the weather gets darker I find myself wanting to
retreat and hibernate, as one friend put it. I ended my relationship
with my young lover in October and am adjusting to the single life again.
I do have occassional playmates but he held the relationship space. Even
though he was in NYC he was a constant part of my day by phone, someone to
always check in with. That emptiness has been difficult and good.
As my dear friend and spiritual adviser Sherrie Dillard (www.sherriedillard.com)
said; grieve and thrive. I am doing just that. I accept the dips of
grief and allow the up swing of love that pours in when I go into
stillness. A trip south would be nice and I am thinking of a small
vacation maybe over Christmas if not before. In the meantime I vacation
in my heart...dropping down into the Bliss of Being that resides there
always. May your Fall be Blissful! Enjoy the silences that arise.
All Love!
I am reeling from the heart opening
experience with my Beloved teacher and friend Patrick Zeigler. His
weekend class here at my house turned into a 4 day class, adding 2 days of
teaching for those who plan to teach this powerful work. There was so
much transformation, so much Divine energy that broke the shell off my
heart. I felt blocked in the lower body again and again I cried and
wailed as the source ot the pain emerged to tear me wide open. I write
this with a vulnerable and open heart, feeling the support of the community of
love that aways exists and was reflected in the amazing souls that dove into
the weekend with me. Thank you my Beloveds, Thank you Beloved!
All Love!
Delighted that Natalie and Donna
have commented on my blog! Now to figure how to get those comments
posted. :O) It has been a good day so far. I
finally got back to the pool and walked and swam for 45 minutes. The work
feels good in my body and other than the smell of chlorine it is a delightful
sensual experience. Getting excited that Patrick will be here soon
and I have begun to get ready for the July 10-13th class. There is
still lots of room for those interested! :O) As I get more and more
comfortable with the new work i am doing I will write more about it here.
Working with the Sacred Sexual can be challenging as well as delighful! I
do look forward to the day when selling Real Estate is a thng of the
past. Now to figure out how to create a paid link to my writings about my
Tantra experieinces. Some day there may be a book. And so it
goes...
I
am happy to say that after many years of therapy and spiritual work I am moving
fully into loving myself. My work is not done, however. I still
have areas where I resist loving myself completely and unconditionally, like
the way I have rejected my body. I want to love and accept her just as
she is, even as she inevitably changes. I am challenged by her size and
shape and the sagging reality of aging after years of trying to escape life
using food and neglect. Losing almost 30 pounds in 2008 has been a
major step toward loving this body and taking better care of her.
Continuing this care is an evolving story that I do not know the ending
to….beyond that it inevitably ends. I intend that the story unfold full
of unconditional love and joy. I want that to radiate through me and to
do that I continue to clean house. In 2007 I did a workshop
with Arjuna Ardagh at Omega Institute where he had us sit beside a pillow and
place our animal bodies on the pillow to speak to us from its innate
wisdom. We would switch places as we assumed the role of our natural
animal bodies and then our regular consciousness. My body’s first
statement to me was, “You tried to kill me.” My response was, “I know, I
am sorry.” My second statement from my body was, “I am here for you no
matter what.” I wept.
I know my
body deserves better from me than I have often given her. I must fully
love her as she is and take the steps to care and tend her with love and
acceptance. It is time to transform. So I begin and continue in
stops and starts. I wish to give myself the gift of health and body
ease while not rejecting the largeness of me, while not falling into the right/wrong
of social conditioning that says I have to look a certain way to be
acceptable. The Universe has given me such gifts as I take this
journey. I have found an amazing young lover who sees me and accepts me
as I am completely. He does not look to change anything about me and in
his love of my uniqueness I learn to give that to myself as well. In
intending more love for myself and taking actions toward that intention the
Universe has given me a living example of unconditional love. His care
and delight for this body opens doors in my soul to let the light of more self
acceptance in.
When
my friend told me of Susan Singer’s work I quickly accepted the chance to be
photographed nude. A little over a year ago I would have refused and
avoided the truthful lens. As I review the amazing pictures
Susan has taken I revel in my enjoyment of this body I see so fully
exposed. She generously shared all of the pictures with me on disks so I
can see each and every angle. Some shots are certainly more becoming than
others. The hardest ones for me to see are of me standing where the
realities of gravity decorate my body with sags and ripples. I am still
working on fully loving the sagging. As I continue loosing weight the
sagging will likely become more exaggerated. Sometimes I see the fat
laughing Buddha and smile thinking, I am that. What Buddha will emerge
next? The roundness that I find becoming will diminish and I will need
more acceptance of whatever emerges. I work to accept what I am in each
moment. Susan’s camera gave me the opportunity to continue my
journey of self love and acceptance. Her tender professionalism made the shoot
easy and delightful. I am so grateful for this amazing experience. Thank
You and Bless You Susan!
