Sunday, March 22, 2015

Grieving Malcolm                                                                      3/18/2015

Voicing my grief, from sighs to moaning to crying and howling.  Letting it all out.
Why did you have to leave us Beloved?
Never to touch that beautiful laughing face again..
 the warmth of your skin against mine..
the irresistible erotic fire that exploded between us
the power of you thrusting body
such sexual ecstasy and laughter in bed...   'Ssssmith'
You were suppose to come back!!!  Damn you!  I don't really mean were damned enough here.
I wish I could have recorded some of the passionate things you said to me.  They took my breath away and slipped from memory almost immediately...
but the impact of the passion inside the words remains.
How could Thanatos win?
It always does sooner or later...why not much later?!
I would have run from the dysfunction again. The drugs and the meanness that rose up in our last round together.  I feared the erotic draw would pull me back into the consuming drama of your addictions. 
No worries now.
Just grief.
I love you.
I miss you!
I miss the vessel that held your amazing soul!
Yes...I know the spirit is near me
you're safe to be near me now.
tears to laughter head hurts now.
My Immortal Pan is can that be!?!
How can that be?

In a text responding to 'hang on to the good memories Sherry and try to let go of the sadness' I wrote back:
I'm one of those 'embrace it all' kinda girls...rollin with all of it but workin on clinging to moment at a time!  What a ride!!!
Malcolm left me with lots of good and a number of bad memories.  I learned from all of it.  His loss is the last teaching...unless he has some to share from spirit...likely!

I told Malcolm back in 2011 that I had come back only after deciding  that I could watch him die.  It was a choice to be involved in the drama of his damaged and creative life.  I do not regret it at all. 
I love you, my Beloved Malcolm!

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