Thursday, October 14, 2021

Beyond Breast Cancer

Greetings Beloveds!  

It's been a while since I posted.  Confronting breast cancer is one of many reasons why. On September 2nd, 2021 I had the cancer removed from my left breast.  I'm lucky that it was small (6mm), slow growing and "well-behaved" and that all was removed with no questions remaining.  I was one in every 8 women that get breast cancer in the US.  Shocking statistics!  This all has been, at times, overwhelming. I was out of it from the anesthesia for several days after my out patient 'Twilight Sleep' surgery.  My incision healed well but has left me with a 3 to 4 inch scar to remind me of the day.  I no longer match my early nude photos here.  Lots of changes before that too, as age will do.  The 'cancer medical machine' helped me and was also part of what overwhelmed me.  Happily I've been lifted up by friends and loving healers that lead me to decide not to continue any treatment. None of those friends or healers told me what to do. I chose. The well-behaved nature of my cancer makes me comfortable with my decision.  I know I am very lucky in the type of cancer that showed up and for that I'm deeply grateful!  

This has been a pivotal experience that's made me look at my life and make a few new choices.  Here's part of my October newsletter to share some of my process.  Sending you love as you move through your days!

Saying goodbye to Sofie

The Noble Victim aka Holier Than Thou

So I have another confession. I’ve been holding on to my victim. I really wasn’t aware of it till after my breast cancer surgery. I just thought it normal to continue grieving over my many losses and, in part, it absolutely is but there was a subtler undertone of victim lurking about in the natural grief. I’d thought that I had confronted the victim in me and let it go years ago. I was apparently deluding myself. Close friends will tell you happily that that is not unusual for me.

After my lumpectomy, while I confronted having cancer, I realized I really don’t want to be alone. Sitting alone in the days prior to my surgery, I grieved the loss of Margie who was a wonderful constant companion. I wanted a companion, a friend and more than Margie, a partner/lover. I know now that I don’t “have to have it” but I do honestly want that special someone in my life. My litany of doubts and fears flooded out of me. I was afraid to want someone again. I didn’t know if I could handle another loss that intimate. I didn’t know if I could watch another become ill and slowly or not so slowly die. I wasn’t sure it was worth it to risk the loss. This is the complete reversal of my earlier “got to have it” drive that filled my life with longing whenever I was out of relationship and, truthfully, sometimes when I was in one. I’m relieved and proud of myself that I no longer long for someone to complete me. But somewhere along the way I may have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. My fear of loss created a barrier. My victim from those losses is keeping away any potential lover-companion.

The day of my surgery I asked my gifted friend Kathy if there was a lover in my future. She felt a prickliness inside me that was keeping away any possible connection. When I looked at what it was, I quickly recognized my victim energy. Why was I holding onto this energy? Then I remembered that when my second husband left me, I used that victimization as a moral high ground. I was somehow the noble victim. I had a self-righteous indignation and it felt good or at least I was quite comfortable using my position to get whatever needs I had filled. Not an attractive look on me, for sure. It’s hard to admit how my ‘holier than thou’ played out.

It’s not easy looking at this and to confess it here. Of all the losses where I ended up feeling victim to the experience, there is only one loss that causes me embarrassment or a sense of shame. That’s the loss where I feel victim to my own inadequacy. I blame myself for the loss of my beautiful home in Towson. I grieve it still but have no noble victim energy around that loss. Instead, there is the tinge of shame. I never became the millionaire I tried to attract into my life. I failed at my ‘law of attraction’. Well, I’ve failed so far. LOL!

The ‘noble victim’ does raise its head around the many deaths of loved ones over recent years. That's where most of that prickly energy resides, putting a full stop to any potential intimate partnership. Happily, my heart is still open to loving friendships. I do admit that even as those friendships deepen there is a bit of fear in the me. I watch it and let it go.

I like to think of myself as a well-balanced openhearted individual. I’ve recently discovered, once again, that ‘it ain’t necessarily so’. My shadow is still in need of the light of consciousness. I’m choosing to, once again, let go of my victim. I love her and honor her for all that she has done trying to protect me as I enfold her in my arms and I let her go. She is a part of me that can step back now as I unlock the hidden doors in my heart. Doors I thought were open. I’m willing to suffer a great loss again. I am willing to open my heart fully, partner or no partner. And so it is.

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A Little Osho Wisdom

All these waves of emotion and my recent wants and fears have once again shown how discontent I am. My busy mind is very good at finding ways to be miserable. I thought I'd share some Osho wisdom that kicked my ass:
"People are constantly living in discontent about everything. It is a habit. It is not that if they have more money and a better house and a better wife or a better son or a better job they will be contented - it is not that.
Whatsoever they have they will remain discontented. Poor, they will be discontented; rich, they will be discontented. Discontent is a habit of the mind. Mind can never be contented.
Once you understand this, a miracle happens; then you can put the mind aside because it is never going to give you contentment. That is not in its nature, so you are asking for the impossible. And what cannot happen, cannot happen - it is futile.
This has been the experience of the whole of humanity for centuries. Still, everybody tries, hoping that he is an exception - nobody is an exception. And discontentment creates misery. If you understand why you are discontented, if you don't find any excuses on the outside and you see that it is the functioning of the mind, then the functioning can be dropped.
The question is to see it. Don't believe it because I say it is so - you have to see it.
Watch your mind.
Look at the past. Many times you thought if you could get a certain thing you would be happy, and you got it and you were not happy. This has happened so many times but you don't learn the lesson, nobody learns the lesson. People go on landing in the same pitfalls again and again.
Learn that your mind is the cause of all discontentment and then there is misery and then there is hell. Drop the mind and with it all misery and all hell disappears and suddenly a revelation happens to you - your innermost core is full of bliss.
So, watch the mind and all its tricks that it goes on playing upon you. To have a transformation nothing else is required, only watchfulness of the mechanism of mind. And, through that understanding, things start happening of their own accord, effortlessly, quietly."

All Love Zoom Gathering Mondays

Monday evenings are precious to me since beginning my All Love Zoom. The gatherings open my heart and fill me with deep peace. The sweet connection between those who gather makes my week! I hope you will join us. Drop me an email at for the link!


In Closing

I love Abraham Hicks's question, "Are you enjoying your contrasts?" I have been riding through a bunch recently. Life is all about contrast. I'm still working with being with what is as I restart my 'meditation practice'. I have spent the last years stopping briefly and becoming present tasting momentary stillness and peace with only occasional long meditations. I intend to begin my daily sitting again to stop my "monkey mind" from its amazingly creative dramas. It amazes me how I still run away from the very thing that brings me Bliss. WTF?

On the embodied front, I begin a medication soon to keep cancer from returning. I'm very lucky to not have to do radiation or Chemo. I wanted to just believe it was gone for good after surgery but that isn't how cancer works, apparently. This has been hard for me to accept. Hopefully this new medication will be healthy for my body. Prayers welcome, Beloveds!

Thank you for reading my newsletter to the end and riding along with me in my ups and downs recently. I'd love to hear from you about your journeys and if any of my confessions and realizations ring a bell for you. Have a wonderful October and remember to be kind to yourself!

Love and Blessings Always,


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