Thursday, September 18, 2014

Sharing my Matt Kahn Retreat experience here as I posted on the True Divine Nature Community Facebook page:

My Beloved True Divine Nature Community,
I have a confession, Beloveds.  I had a very hard time at the retreat.  Wednesday night, the first night, I was livid after the "no experience" teaching.  As I drove back to the Hotel with 3 others, who were raving about the teaching, I said from the back seat that if they wanted to hear a dissenting voice I was a F*ck No!  What I heard Matt say again and again was "I felt nothing".  I was furious.  I come into body to feel and to experience.  I have eternities to be dead and out of body.  I feel my place there and have been there so many times.  I remember it and connect with it when I get lost here in the pain and confusion.  Here I want my cake and eat it too.  I want my 'no experience' and I want my wild passionate painful and confusing experience.  I want it all!
 Then the next day Matt taught about feeling more deeply and embracing it all.  He was singing my song.  I was frustrated and confused.  I was also a bit angry that he called 'no experience' a new teaching. This is a comment he made to me before the evening began. It's ancient.  Maybe he was referring to something else but this is how it all went for me.  I wanted to have a knock down drag out fight with Matt. LOL!!!   Beloveds!  This is the last thing I expected!!!  I actually found it all funny as I watched my anger.  I've been raving about Matt for months and months and have felt the precious transmissions of energy and awakening he delivers.  I have felt the immediate elimination of obstacles and penetrating love during personal sessions.  He truly has Ganesha energy!   Oddly when I was near Matt and interacting with him directly I felt great distance, "Emptiness" but no love.  There was certainly an impact from his emptiness but I so wanted to feel and experience the love. 
I hear you in my projections of you( from this 'universe' /My Story)referring to my ego or feeling sorry for me and my little angry girl.  Oh yes, Beloveds.  The ego judging mind serves and hinders me.  It also is of God...all creation is. I liked when Matt said, watch what people do, not what they say.  This is the good judging mind.  I watched Matt be so playful and seemingly intimate with some and so distant with others. This ego sees an ego alive and well in Matt as well as a deep penetrating connection with empty consciousness.   HW Poonjaji, another favorite teacher of mine from the Ramana Maharshi lineage, said he had an ego and she served him well. Being a Tantrica I wish to embrace it all, the dual and non dual.  So curious. I'm sure one of the challenges for me is the hierarchy I saw encouraged in the class.  I have always been uncomfortable with the 'raised above us/ more advanced than us' space but I also understand that hierarchy exists in our world. I understand needing a teacher and a way shower. I struggle with this having seem so many powerful empty beings fall into disgrace from what appear ego antics and abuses.  And yet I know I would fall on my knees before Ramana Maharshi and be enslaved by his love and awakened state. Go figure.
So I am struggling and at rest at the same time.  A few of you know this but I wanted to come clean to this amazing community of souls. In doing so I hope love prevails and there is room to embrace my crazy and amazing experience.
So here is the good news.  Even with my anger, my illness that happily gave me a break on Thursday from what I felt was an uncomfortable workshop,  I have returned with a deeper silence and much more access to dropping the crazy monkey mind.  What a ride!  Thank you Matt and Julie for this amazing uncomfortable and life changing experience.  Thank you for reading this post.  Please forgive me if I misjudged or misunderstood as I stumble on rejoicing and/or bitching as the case may be.  Again, what a ride!
I love you!  I love you!  I love you!  Truly I do!

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